Clearly I have done something bad. Very, very bad. The Universe does not like me very much right now, and its wrath is wreaking havoc on my life. So, I'm doing my best to make up with it. I'm sending it flowers. Telling it how nice it looks in those new pants. Offering to walk its dog when it has to stay late at work.
Alas, none of this is working. It's STILL pissed off at me. I've tried everything else, so now it's time to grovel. I'm talking no pride, on your knees, begging for forgiveness here. Whatever it takes. Here goes:
I am sorry. I know I have upset you/broken your heart/slept with your boyfriend/borrowed and ruined your favorite boots/hurt your feelings/pissed you off and I am sorry. So, so incredibly sorry. You have no idea. I understand that you are angry. You don't hide it well. But I'd like us to make up now. Let's take a walk and discuss it over a latte.
Universe, I am so sorry that I upset you. I never meant to do it. I have only had the best of intentions, but apparently I got lost along the way. I hurt you, and that was wrong. So wrong. Universe, I want you to know that I care about you and I know that you were right. I was wrong. Do you hear me? I. WAS. WRONG.
I'm ready to change my ways and I'm really hoping you'll forgive me. I'm not perfect, Universe, and I don't pretend to be. I just want us to be the way we were. I want us to be able to spend the day by the water, enjoying the day unfolding before us. I want to share a doughnut with you. I just want us to be happy again. And Universe, I know you want that, too. You may not know it, may even believe that you're enjoying watching me fumble around, but deep down we both know that you're not that heartless. Not even when you're this angry.
I understand that you wanted to me to pay for the way I made you feel. I get that, and I've felt it. I have felt sad, felt low, felt hopeless, felt like an idiot. You win. I am humbled.
So, Universe, I stand here before you, humbly asking if please, pretty please, could you please, please, please forgive me? Can we play nice? Can't we all just get along?
I'll totally pick up your mail and water your plants for you next time you're out of town.
Are we okay?
Hoping for reconciliation...