Friday, August 26, 2011

Universe: 742; Me: 0

Clearly I have done something bad.  Very, very bad.  The Universe does not like me very much right now, and its wrath is wreaking havoc on my life.  So, I'm doing my best to make up with it.  I'm sending it flowers.  Telling it how nice it looks in those new pants.  Offering to walk its dog when it has to stay late at work.
Alas, none of this is working.  It's STILL pissed off at me.  I've tried everything else, so now it's time to grovel.  I'm talking no pride, on your knees, begging for forgiveness here.  Whatever it takes.  Here goes:

Dear Universe,
I am sorry.  I know I have upset you/broken your heart/slept with your boyfriend/borrowed and ruined your favorite boots/hurt your feelings/pissed you off and I am sorry.  So, so incredibly sorry.  You have no idea.  I understand that you are angry.  You don't hide it well.  But I'd like us to make up now.  Let's take a walk and discuss it over a latte.
Universe, I am so sorry that I upset you.  I never meant to do it.  I have only had the best of intentions, but apparently I got lost along the way.  I hurt you, and that was wrong.  So wrong.  Universe, I want you to know that I care about you and I know that you were right.  I was wrong.  Do you hear me?  I. WAS. WRONG.
I'm ready to change my ways and I'm really hoping you'll forgive me.  I'm not perfect, Universe, and I don't pretend to be.  I just want us to be the way we were.  I want us to be able to spend the day by the water, enjoying the day unfolding before us.  I want to share a doughnut with you.  I just want us to be happy again.  And Universe, I know you want that, too.  You may not know it, may even believe that you're enjoying watching me fumble around, but deep down we both know that you're not that heartless.  Not even when you're this angry.
I understand that you wanted to me to pay for the way I made you feel.  I get that, and I've felt it.  I have felt sad, felt low, felt hopeless, felt like an idiot.  You win.  I am humbled.
So, Universe, I stand here before you, humbly asking if please, pretty please, could you please, please, please forgive me?  Can we play nice?  Can't we all just get along?
I'll totally pick up your mail and water your plants for you next time you're out of town.
Are we okay?
Hoping for reconciliation...

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

The Bitch is Back

Ever have one of those days (eh em... weeks) when you KNOW you're being a raging bitch, but you can't seem to stop?  Yeah.  I'm having one of those.

Life is kicking my ass a bit and apparently, my response is to ruin the lives of the people around me (read: my husband).  Oh, the irony.  The Universe is mean to me, so I'm mean to the one person who loves and supports me no matter what.  Interesting choice, lady.

I have strange methods of coping with stress in my life, though I'm only recently starting to notice them.  My first response is to sit on my ass and brood.  Generally speaking, this doesn't get me very far.  Shocking, I know.  After that, I clean the kitchen.  Why?  I have no idea.  I'd like to trace it back to my childhood when my biggest problems- like not being able to go out with my friends- were generally solved by a thorough cleaning of the kitchen, but that isn't particularly logical now.  I no longer live with my parents, so I can't be grounded, and my problems are now significantly more complex.  A full dishwasher and clean counters will not solve anything, but somehow I feel more in control when I've scrubbed grout.  When that doesn't eliminate my stress (which it almost never does), I pretend like everything is fine to almost everyone, though I'm a fairly horrific liar, and then I take my anger out on my husband.  Because, as we all know, the fact that he has put the glass in the sink instead of the dishwasher IS THE REASON FOR ALL SUFFERING.

Oh wait, no it's not.  That's just me being mean and irrational.  Shit.

Anyway, I'm hoping by writing this and admitting that I know I'm being intolerable, I can find the strength to KNOCK IT OFF.  Jesus.

Honey, this is me saying, "Um, sorry I'm being a total bitch.  I don't really mean to, but I can't seem to quit it.  I'll work on that."

No really, I will.  Swear.  Seriously.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Because We Love You

Dear Boys,
I just want you to know that no matter what, you will always have each other.  This is vital.  You have to remember this and stick to it.  Love each other and be there for each other.  If for no other reason, it is important to have someone else in your lives who understands- unequivocally- just how batshit crazy your parents are.
Sorry about that, by the way.  We are trying to avoid the batshit craziness, but it seems to run in our families.
Anyway, we love you and are so glad that you will have each other to depend on.
Much love,
Mama & Dada (by proxy)

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Oh. My. God.

Dear Whiniest Child On The Planet,
In the name of all things holy, PLEASE.  STOP.  WHINING.  You and your brother did not sleep last night and, frankly, I can't take it.  So please stop.  If you don't want the tofu, don't eat the tofu.  Simple.  But please stop asking for it, then pushing it away, then crying for it, and then pushing it away again.  Ditto for the Cheerios.  Make a decision and stick to it.  Please.  I realize this is difficult for a two year old.  I know I am asking a lot of you.  But please, PLEASE just be calm and decisive today.  And quit whining.

Or at least take a very long nap.
Your Mama