Dear Little One,
It seems we have a bit of a misunderstanding here. I apologize for any confusion. Let me try to clear a few things up.
I want you to know that changing your diaper is in no way an attempt to murder or dismember you. I am not trying to kill you, maim you, torture you, or upset you in any way. I am merely attempting to rid the room of the foul stench you have produced, while simultaneously attempting to keep your bum happy and rash-free.
You seem to have come to the conclusion that diaper change = attempted murder. Let me be clear: I AM NOT TRYING TO HURT YOU. I swear. No harm intended. Just want to get a clean diaper on you and wipe up any mess. So, if you could please refrain from shrieking and writhing as though I'm jabbing you with hot pokers, I think you could save us both a lot frustration and heartbreak. And a neighbor call to CPS. Which would be awkward.