You know how sometimes you look around and you're like, "Is this my life?" and then you realize, "Yes, this is my life," and then you want to crawl in a hole for 2 months? Yeah. That.
The past few days have been those kinds of days. They have required the kind of heroic patience, perspective, and fortitude that I currently lack. Shockingly, things are not going well.
Yesterday: Nothing went smoothly. Changing diapers, pull-ups, and clothing became epic battles. All forms of even beloved food were rejected (and thrown onto the freshly vacuumed carpet). Mommies were screamed at and requests were denied. Time outs were had. Much whining occurred. This was the kind of day where Mama used overly loud and harsh tones with the kids because HOLY SHIT MAMA CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE... and then burst into tears in front of them. Because then there's the guilt. Why can't I handle this? And then as a final infernal straw, my toddler screamed about needing water after going to bed (right after I brought him water) until he woke up his baby brother. Who then also screamed. And this is the one weekday my husband doesn't get home until after 10pm. Ah yes, THAT'S why I can't handle this.
Today: A lot more screaming and a lot of ignoring Mama. Four time outs before 10:30 a.m. And then there were two more before lunch. My toddler said the words, "I don't like you," for the first time. To his baby brother. While said brother was gazing adoringly at him and grinning. I worried all morning about money (or our lack thereof). I spent lunch begging the toddler to stop sticking his hands in the bowl full of buttery corn and trying to convince the baby to eat anything resembling a vegetable. Lost on both counts. And then my husband called just as I was about to get everyone all dressed and ready to go pick him up (which sometimes is a blessed 30 minutes of strapped down-ed-ness) in order to tell me he needed to work late. And then I burst into tears (again) in front of my children (again) and couldn't stop for an hour. This totally freaked my toddler out, so I had to turn on the T.V. and hide in the kitchen where the baby toddled adorably over from time to time grinning and bringing lovies and soggy cheerios in an attempt to cheer me up.
People, I am experiencing a slow, but steady panic attack.
(Hold on... don't tell me you don't have days like this. You better have 'em, people. YOU BETTER. I'm holding on to that hope like a menstruating non-swimmer to a leaky, inflatable life vest in shark-infested waters.)
Pffffttt. I don't know if this is a special brand of insanity reserved for stay-at-home parents, or a special brand of insanity reserved for me. All I know is that I am not a fan. NOT.
I know that every little thing is getting to me much more than it otherwise would because life is handing me flatbed upon flatbed of lemons. AND I DON'T HAVE ANY SUGAR TO MAKE LEMONADE. I know that eventually- if for no other reason than ODDS, for the love of all things holy- things are going to turn around and start to get better. I know that all of this is temporary and that I have the things that really matter in life. I have a supportive, loving husband that I adore. I have two beautiful little boys who make me laugh every day. I have amazing friends who are willing to listen to me bitch and support me in any way I'll let them. But sometimes I just wish life could be a little easier. I wish there were just a few things to worry about instead of everything. I wish I could say one thing was going smoothly so that I could focus on the other parts that are not. But there are too many parts and nothing is going smoothly right now. I'm tired.
Sometimes, I wish I had some sort of escape. Last night, the best escape I could conjure was Simpler Times and watching trashy T.V. Tonight it will likely be more Simpler Times and a shower that lasts until the hot water runs out.
Ahhh.... simpler times. I'd like those.
Please tell me you have days like these.