The Fear

(TMI Alert.)
Today the fear set in and I took a paranoia-fueled trip to the grocery store to buy a pregnancy test.  Ever since having my beautiful, but unplanned, second son I've been filled with the terror that I am pregnant.  There has been no real basis for these fears.  I am on birth control and we are using protection.  Then again, I was using protection after my first son and HELLO SECOND BABY!  Thankfully (or perhaps not so thankfully, depending on whether you are my husband), one generally needs to have sex to get pregnant and that particular occurrence is few and far between.  This fact alone has kept my constant fear at bay.  Kind of.  Nonetheless, it has happened here and there and I have been consumed with one thought: Maybe. It. Happened. Again.

Don't get me wrong, I love my children with wild abandon.  I think they are wonderful, darling, brilliant tiny people and I wouldn't trade them for the world.  But I think pregnancy should come when you're expecting it.  You know, so you don't drink a vat of gin or go bungee jumping while you're expecting.  It seems like forethought is a good idea.  And frankly, I'm afraid that one more child (let alone one more "surprise" child) could send me off the edge.  I've already experienced two under two, and it is NUTS.  I have no context for this crazy multiple children stuff.  My husband and I are both only children and two has us overwhelmed.  I realize that this is ridiculous and possibly pathetic, but that's the way it is.  Besides, these little people are expensive!!  Two is enough.

And so... the frightening trip to the store to buy pregnancy tests.  Thanks to much hope and finger crossing and praying to Sweet Baby Jesus, the test was negative.  No baby.  Pregnancy free.  FREE!!!  Well... not quite free since I'm still breastfeeding and taking care of a 6 month old and 2 year old, but still.  It's a good feeling not to be pregnant.  My kids are awesome and I love them immensely, but I'm all set with the two.  Thanks Universe (and Baby Jesus).